Editorial: Sperm Races - Publication: Penthouse - Issue: March 2003

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Spooge, spoof, wad, cream, load, jizz or just plain old semen, whichever way you put it, how much we have and its potency is/arguably has traditionally been the ultimate yardstick of masculinity.

Man’s primal bravado and innate competitive spirit have often compelled him to question his own virility, whether its timing himself in the sack with a partner or simply checking his potency.

In the face of natural adversity, whether its stress, a bad diet or just too much jerking off, most of us have wondered about our sperm count at one time or another; though how about pitting your sperm against someone else's in order to check its speed or endurance?

Now its possible. Literally a sportsman’s dream come true, LA based pharmaceutical engineer/digital artist Mike Roof has developed the ingenious concept of sperm racing, something he describes as the extreme sport of the next generation.

So how does it work? Forget those schoolboy visions of the Limp Biscuit game, this mid millennium enterprise is strictly a state of the art melding of science and technology.

After obtaining samples from chosen racers (all efforts in extraction self induced) Mike isolates individual sperm samples under a microscope and colors them with fleuro dye he has developed. The dye is treated with sugar like compounds for quicker absorption into the individual sperm.

Through dabbling with different mixtures of sugar and fleuro dye, Mike is capable of creating five different colors, subsequently enabling him to color five different samples for five different racers. The dye mixture is not unusually toxic to individual sperm, allowing them to function as they would normally.

After donor samples are captured from different participants, they are colored using a mechanical pipette (tech term for lab eyedropper). The instrument automatically absorbs the correct amount of sperm and color dye, depositing a prepared racer sample directly onto a slide mount fixed to the microscope stage (the part under the lense).

Next the racer’s sperm is deposited onto a tiny maze etched into the slide mount. Placed at one end of the maze, the Sperm instinctively race to the other end, naturally behaving as if they are battling to fertilize and egg.

Race action can then be observed by an enthralled crowd via the big screen using an overhead video projector. Mounted to a microscope specially designed for filming purposes, the projector magnifies and projects the image of racing sperm onto a wall or screen.

A master of improvisation, all the original equipment used for the first sperm race prototype was found in a local trash skip near the creator/inventor, Mike Roof’s home. Mike has since refined the concept, through thousands of labor intensive man hours and the creation of specially engineered parts.

"After initially recovering it and tinkering with it at home, me and my buddies started looking at objects, including a tadpole and some other stuff. Then a friend of mine suggested looking at his sperm. He raced into the bathroom and quickly produced a sample, whereafter I had a flash of genius and things just evolved from there. I've now developed it as a serious commercial business prospect".

First shown at a Los Angeles art gallery, the then Sperm Races art installation attracted mixed response. Mike and the gallery received many complaints and some religious zealots actually rang police.

Yet this negativity was thankfully offset by words of praise from the majority of more enlightened men and women who witnessed the exhibit. According to creator/inventor Mike, "people loved it for the most part and I received much praise from assorted men, women and couples who took part and helped to redefine the whole concept of audience participation.

Mike is now aiming to adapt the concept for mass consumption, with a Vegas like gambling version of Sperm Races currently under development. The concept hopes to attract some highly competitive sperm warriors, with a sprint race, an endurance race and a challenging obstacle course open for bets.

Mike anticipates marketing the Sperm Wars gambling concept with the slogan, "The only game in town where you can actually bet on yourself." Laws permitting, he is currently tinkering with a Casino Royale Vegas styled "donation booth", complete with fittingly attired "donor assistants" and elaborately designed "donation cups" and accessories.

Since refining the concept, Mike sees it as having serious franchise potential. "Sperm Wars is amiable both to live or online participation spectatorship, and of course sponsorship thus providing well proven marketing avenues. The revenue potential through ad sales, entrance fees, and merchandising is staggering".

World domination doesn’t stop there, catering for the family set, the agoraphobic and couples hankering for privacy, a play at home version of Sperm Wars, is also facing the rigors of thorough R&D, complete with comprehensive instructions and electronic hook up to the domestic audio/visual system.

There's also a fully functional family fun recreation theme park styled concept in the works, set to include sperm rides, virtual reality games, educational experiences, and of course extensive merchandising.

So far, in addition to the website at www.superhappybunny.com the Sperm Wars concept has truly captured the hearts and souls of media worldwide. This international sensation has spread to newspapers in France, Germany and Australia and coverage on Los Angeles radio station KROQ’s morning show. To find out more, visit websites www.sperm-wars.com or www.superhappybunny.com

Written by Craig Stephens

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